When cravings strike, there is just no way to tame my appetite. The hunger makes me frantic, ravaging through the pantry like a starving, sweating sugar-beast whose thirst will only be satisfied by fried food, cupcakes, or fried cupcakes. Unfortunately, all the excitement I felt when I decided I needed to EAT ALL THINGS was shot down by my wife, who, upon deciding that eating all the things was unacceptable, traded all my good snacks in for sea weed chips and…what is this? Protein powder? Kill me. I have crossed over from hunger to hanger, a completely justified feeling for when I am starving for Oreos but shortchanged by quinoa. I want to hit something. My stomach growls. This is a serious problem. I rummage more for something my mind knows isn’t there but my (chubby) heart holds on to hope. I spy with my (chubby) eye: 4 packets of tuna (no), rice cakes (no again), more seaweed chips (apparently these were on sale). So much NO in here…wait. What is that wrapper way up there in the corner? Could it be? A secret stash belonging to my wife, hidden from the kids and myself as she forces diet food upon me? Yeah, I am totally eating it. That’s what she gets for hiding…goo goo clusters! YESSSSSSSS. I waste no time eagerly ripping it open. If one of the kids catches me I will have to share it and that is not going to happen. Nope. Not to mention what will happen if the wife catches me in her stash. A smile starts in my belly and spreads across my face. I fumble with the wrapper and pull it apart dropping the holy grail of candy. I snatch it up, recalling the 5 second rule that I most certainly would have bent for the occasion if my beloved candy would have rolled under the table. One bite and my mouth is full of chewy, chocolatey, peanutty deliciousness. Two, three, four, bites and I can feel a little bit of chocolate drool running down my chin. I know there has to be more clusters hidden up there and I am going to eat them right now. I scarf the rest of the pilfered candy and go hunting. For a moment, I scold myself for so recklessly consuming the forbidden goodies and not even thinking about how dead I am when this stash disappears, but it is hard to care when I am being so generously rewarded for my thorough search of the pantry with a gooey chocolate embrace.
Let’s be honest, the vast majority of us can relate. You are reading this because you love food, and we foodies have our moments where self control goes out the window. A few days ago, I was reading “27 People Confess to the Fattest Thing They Have Ever Done.” I laughed through the entire thing. We have all been there. Our household completely revolves around food, so it is pretty tough to pinpoint the singular fattest thing I have ever done. I suppose if you think about it, a food-centric career is arguably the fattest possible thing that one can do, but I digress. In the name of pure gluttony, I present you with #fathacks. Tasty, caloric, and perhaps even slightly wrong, here are a couple tasty food combos for when you need to apologize to your taste buds for eating so much kale.
1. Pizza eggs: Last nights cold, leftover pizza with a fried egg on top. Amazing for Sunday brunch when you are definitely too hung over to leave the house but your stomach is screaming “Grease! Give me grease or I will turn against you.!”
2. Duke’s Mac & Cheese: Mix in a touch of duke’s mayo into your favorite cheese sauce for the ultimate tangy Mac & Cheese or simply layer that dukes mac and cheese inside of a grilled cheese. Mmmmmmayonnaise.
3. The Elvis Cristo: Make a traditional peanut butter, banana, Benton’s bacon, and honey sandwich. Crush up some ritz crackers in a bowl. Dip the sandwich in beaten eggs and coat in the ritz crackers. Fry up in a pan in butter. Top with whatever jam you can find in the fridge. You’re heart will be all shook up!
4. Cereal Milkshake: The heathy cereal in your pantry definitely won’t work for this one. You’re going to need something like captain crunch, fruity pebbles, or fruit loops. Grab a blender. Add milk, ice cream or gelato, and cereal. Place on the lid and pulse until you have a nice lumpy cereal milkshake. Top with whipped cream or more cereal. Or both.
5. Chinese Breakfast: Chop up last night’s leftover Chinese food. It doesn’t matter what you have, it all will taste good. The only thing you have to have is leftover white rice. Sauté some onion and garlic in a bit of butter. Add the Chinese food and some soy sauce for moisture. Crack a couple of eggs in there, let them scramble with the food. Add some bacon if you want. Breakfast is served.
What’s your favorite #fathack? Leave us some comments on here, Twitter , or Instagram let us know. The best one submitted by this Friday will win a free dessert from Mason’s!